The Gift in the Wound, The Gift of my Womb

Tonight I was on a call with one of my spiritual teachers. Back in 2008 when we met, I immediately recognized our compatibility in the arts and the meta-space.  Maria understood me and nurtured my soul’s growth. For the past 9 years we have had this beautiful exchange where she allows a space for me to contact and commune with her. 

Back to tonight’s call…

We discussed the moment, the spiritual crisis and transformation being experienced in the world. The recurring revelations around the ME TOO epidemic.  My sister walks into the house, handing me the double A batteries I asked her to pick up on the way home, and immediately joins in the conversation. It was a continuation of an exchange we had this morning regarding my Dad’s incarceration. The phone was on speaker because my hands were busy painting, now the three of us are in communion. In the midst of our call, Maria mentions to me that there is more required of me. Literally I’m like what more do I need to do? I’m painting, I’m publishing my journals, my exhibition is less than two weeks away, and I’m in it! What more? She immediately drops this bomb “anything that you do that is misused in what it was meant to be used for, that is molestation and rape.” Meaning I cannot use my gift for any other purpose than what is meant to be used for, and there is a greater healing meant to be had. There was more that I need to do to deliver this message. SHIT!  Me too!??!? Here comes the hard stuff uhhhhhh….

Let me dial back a bit.  Two nights ago, or early mornings ago, I was awakened with this message “Within your wound lies your greatest gift. It is within the healing of your wound that you will discover your purpose.” My wound lies within the space where my creativity is born, from where my son was birthed, my womb. I have scars to prove it. Not birthing scars but scars at the crease where my belly meets my pelvis from a hernia surgery I had at 3 years old. They looked like caesarean scars. I remember staring at them as kid, touching the super soft skin, I knew it was a sacred place. The scars have since faded to nearly nothing but the wound remained.  Before 7 years old I was wounded again. Me too. And at 9 and 10 years old I was wounded again Me too!!  And I buried it and blamed myself for years for being too sensitive, too loving and too affectionate.  

Every area of my life echoed this woundedness and manifested as “rape and molestation”, including my work, my relationships, and friendships because “I” was never enough. I needed to always go above and beyond, to be the best and to do the most to find value and feel valued. And each time I over-gave, betraying the sick feeling I felt in my stomach, abandonment in my heart and the creative emptiness. But I continued giving until Universe moved me out of the workspace, friends disappeared and relationships ended. Stubbornly, I’d find other jobs and make more money and meet new people and find temporary romantic relationships, just enough to satisfy me. Then my personal health failed. I was losing blood, but the doctors couldn’t discern from where I was losing it. I had tubes in my colon, in my throat in an effort to determine the blood lost. I remember the doctor described it as, “its like a vampire sucking you dry.” They never discovered why this was happening, and it happened twice within a 2-year span because of my stubbornness. But spiritually I understood, I had no more to give, I was depleted.  Something needed to change in me and it began with forgiveness. Forgiveness of how I was treating myself and forgiveness of my offenders.

Although I was born into a body that would be wounded, labored in a womb that carried a lifetime of wounds, spiritually my soul decided to incarnate into this family for the healing, to be healed and to heal others.  And as my mother describes, “I nestled into the nape of her neck immediately after birth.” She says I healed her.  So it is from this perspective that I can sit here and reflect openly about my wounds of my womb and have understanding that it is the place that I will gain the most healing, it is the object of my painting series RE*Birth, and it is where my creativity is born.

Pictured is the magic “Womb“ cave is located near the town of Kardzhali, in the area Tangardak Kaya, near the village of Nenkovo, Bulgaria.